The Non-Facebook Post #119

The answer to a question that's been trying to take form in my head:
"Humanity needs dreams to be able to survive the miseries of daily existence, even if only for an instant." (Niemeyer)

And, the question?

Well, it was clear in my head at eleven last night when I had a 'writing emergency' (a spin on 'poem emergency' that the 9-yr old oft mentioned in these posts invented). To be able to get enough sleep to get to work this morning, I hushed the question. Now, it's gone - like a well-defined shape Gandalf might have puffed out as he sat smoking that's in a hurry to dissolve into nothingness.

Key ideas from that question linger though. A young, hopeful, naive me saw my dreams shining in glowing sunset clouds from the 'terrace' of 'home' every evening with my cup of chai and biscuits. I guess I thought time stretched on forever, frozen.

Here's my motto as it was stuck to my grad school folder:

Now, there's a new jaded realization that's trying to take hold in my head - dreams and their finitude.

Do we factor in time when we dream? Probably not. Dreams are about what can be. There's an inherent intangibility in them.
What happens when it's too late? You are close to achieving those dreams - halfway there - but the context within which you envisioned those dreams reaching fruition is not the same.

More questions.

It is difficult to "have patience with all that remains unsolved in your heart", Rilke.

The Non-Facebook Post #118

"Write about things that make you cry." - Badhwar

Writing is my heart center. It connects me to me, like exercise and yoga.

Some days the words come out all wrong. A mass of jumbled mess like the muddled thinking that's producing them. "Think clearly to communicate clearly", says one of my favourite professors. Those are the kind of words, and phrases, and thoughts you'd like to erase, unwrite, unthink. 
Other days, the words come as easily as pearls on a string slide smoothly. These are the sentences, ideas, records of memory that time-stamp a portion of your life, that you like revisiting - to reacquaint yourself with the person you were then. 

Kerouac, you're still guiding me - "if you don't say what you want, what is the sense of writing?"

Yes, let's say, but with an "ask". Because isn't it good to ask? To question? 
Why do we question, though? To get an answer? Or to have our notion of an answer validated by framing the question so?
Are answers important? Can a discourse be entirely composed of questions? Can a question be answered with a question? 
Where do you want the questions to lead you? Do you want them to lead you somewhere?

But here's more meandering in the field of my thoughts. Because that's what I like doing best.

 A foggy memory surfaces to mind. As a child, rolling about on my bed one evening, I turned and lay on my back to stare at the ceiling to dream up  questions and fire the volley of them at my Dad. That felt like the right and important thing to do - to ask and ask and ask him questions. My Dad sat beside me and patiently answered every question I had for him. From all the questions I asked, the only one I remember now is, "why is the colour of the sky blue?" After I had exhausted myself or had found a distraction (TV, I guess), I did what kids do best - got up and ran away. And Dad did what Dads do best - went back to working on the task he had stopped midway for me.  

The Non-Facebook Post #117

There was once - 

'Yesssssssssss - that prolonged expression of accomplishment when you manage to drive in snow!

Nooooooooooo - that long shriek of dismay when you discover you lost one from the pair of your warmest North Face gloves on one of the coldest days of the year.
Yeah, yin and yang much.'

Now there is -

Sighhhhhhhhhh – that long release of exasperated breath when you and your GPS take about two hours to reach a one-mile destination. Well, at least it's a one-in-a-million feat!

"Continue on Alley."

"Which Alley, Precious?!"

The Non-Facebook Post #116

"Have an epic love story."  - a charming 9-year old's farewell wishes to me before moving home to a new city.

The Non-Facebook Post #115

What does it mean to be a wallflower? What does it mean to have been a wallflower for most of your earthly existence?

A quick Google search throws up a few varieties of definition. Mostly, they state that a person who stands on the sidelines of a social gathering shyly, sometimes feeling awkward and excluded. They also state that such people, though being introverted and inward-focusing, still like seeking out social events and communication fairly regularly. The definition that I love the most comes from urbandictionary.com

                “A type of loner, seemingly shy folks who no one knows, often some of the most interesting people if one actually talks to them.”

Urban dictionary’s collaborative format allows users to contribute their definitions of terms. Thus, wallflower’s definition on this website spans the spectrum of being shy, introverted, observer rather than doer, someone who desires social activity but is unable to participate because of personality traits. Some users also define a wallflower as being unpopular and so getting left out of social events and group gatherings.

I identify as a wallflower. So, what’s my take on being a wallflower? Well, for as far back as I can remember, I have memories of being the silent, quiet one when surrounded by people. I don’t know if it was a lack of self-confidence, or low self-esteem, or shyness, or introversion or all of these that held me back from diving into social liveliness.

What has that come to mean? I have had friends few and far between – none, early on, and countable on my fingers, later on in my existence. I have never taken the initiative to form bonds and relationships. The few friendships I have had have been because my friends took the time to seek me out, the patience to understand me, and then show graciousness in becoming my friends. However, these few countable friendships have turned out to be friendships for life for me. I have now come to understand that my bonds of friendship are rarely formed to be flippant. They mostly have deep meaning and value in my life.

Why these ramblings on wallflowering into social non-existence though? My life seems to have taken a U-turn in the context of my social connections. I now find that I actually use social media and messaging apps to keep up with my friends. This has been a very recent occurrence. And, it surprises me. It surprises the wallflower part of me. It isn’t like I have a thousand friends and connections now but they are more – significantly more – than what I have been used to having my whole life. And these conversations that i now have with friends and connections spread across the globe truly astounds me. So it is true - you can grow, and grow by leaps and bounds. And those leaps and bounds are only relative to you, no one else.

Yeah, wallflowers do desire friends and dance partners and connections – I have to agree with that variant of definition on urbandictionary. To be able to forge connections that really matter, that I have wanted to be a part of my life more than anything else – I have stepped out of my wallflower comfort zone. I did, “put myself out there” and I think I am “rockstar” for it!

Here’s to Kerouac – “if you don’t say what you want, what is the sense of writing?”

And to Natasha Badhwar, “Writing connects the stories. The writing brain is usually not the social self. It’s slower and smarter. Writing forces me to understand and unravel, rather than judge.

Write long enough and one begins to see one’s reflection on the page. As if the light has shifted and transformed the screen into a mirror. Writing reveals us to ourselves…

Writing is the beginning of brave…”

Here’s also to being a braver wallflower.

The Non-Facebook Post #113

So, it’s summer. Do you know what’s happening in parking lots? There’re these empty stretches of parking spots and then suddenly a huddling of cars under tree-shaded medians. Four lucky cars get to be cool on parallel sides of medians shaded by trees. The other cars? Well, they get sauna-like so maybe they’re helping you sweat out toxins?
There’re also these summer parking-spot wars that are playing out. In a parking lot shaded by smaller trees like Zelkovas that are planted few and far between, the eastern-facing spots fill up first. Everyone can take a little morning sun. It’s the afternoon sun you want to be shielded from.
Parking-lot ramblings. (Because, beginning to drive brings about this whole higher-level of driving and parking consciousness.)

The Non-Facebook Post #114

Goodbye.

Goodbyes are hard. Except when you're looking forward to getting rid of people and places - then it becomes 'good riddance.'
Goodbyes are a relatively new phenomena for me. I have not had to move away from my loved ones and home for the better part of my life. My first and hardest goodbye was when I travelled an ocean to foreign shores. That goodbye was so hard that I flew back in a month and returned a year later. I had left behind my cat, family and friends - Home.

Surprisingly, I've experienced 3 or 4 heart-rending goodbyes in these four years that I've spent on foreign shores.

Why, surprising? Here are some of my Facebook statuses that explain this. I am an avid Facebook user and my status updates regularly flood my friends' newsfeeds. They help me express and record my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

From that repository, here is one of the hardest goodbyes I had to say. It was in April last year. Now, 2014 was a landmark year for me. I graduated with both my degrees in summer and winter respectively.

I was about to graduate in July last year with my Master's in Landscape Architecture. A little earlier, in April, I wrote -

"What does it mean when you begin to miss a person, a group of people, a place?

It's been 3 years of living the life I never had, of going through experiences I missed in my "golden years." And I've surprised myself by forming bonds - ties of friendship, relationships of acquaintance, professional networks. For someone who's been a wallflower for most of their earthly existence, this has been a remarkable anomaly.

And it's that time of year when I flood Facebook with posts that reflect the emotions going through my head. Emotions of attachment, sadness, gratefulness, quiet introspection, but above all, the thought of missing the people and places I've formed these close bonds with."

The status continues in a lengthy manner where I go on to thank my friends for enriching my life with valuable experiences and relationships and I name each of my classmates and thank them.

I love watching this TV show called Project Runway. It's anchored by one of my favorite creative thinkers, Tim Gunn. During each show, he says this standard line to the contestant ousted in that week's design competition -

"I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space." I add, " Yeah, cleaning up your space - I don't think the thought remotely crosses your mind when you're enthusiastically setting up your newly assigned place, your desk, your studio workzone.

I guess this is part of the circle of life.

Winding down the graduate school experience I initiated 3 years ago with a Monica-Rachel 'end of an era' emotion."

Later, in December last year, when I was graduating with my second degree I wrote -

"Wow, that's that. Last day of class. Culmination of the academic-graduate student phase. End of an era. 

A journey that took flight three years ago and got me across the proverbial seven seas to new shores.

Goodbyes are hard, darn it." And, "Oh, goodbyes, goodbyes and more goodbyes. It's going to drive me crazy. Either you shouldn't have to leave or you shouldn't get attached to people and places."

So, from all of my goodbye musings on Facebook, I have come to distill three reasons why goodbyes are so hard:
1. Attachment - you get attached to people and places and going away from them is going to leave a void in your heart and life.
2. I ascribe this to another status update but one that my friend shared. "You leave a part of you behind when you leave a place." The person you are at that point in time is in part because you and your behaviour are responding to the people and environment surrounding you. You won't be that person again because now your behavioural responses will be based on the new environment you are in.
3. Highly sensitive people feel emotions more acutely. I am a highly sensitive person and even the smallest of emotions is greatly amplified and felt.

However, last night I was thinking about the flip side to goodbyes, about the yang to this yin. With goodbyes come hellos and the chance to forge new connections.
So, here's looking forward to hellos and, see you again, maybe.

Postscript 1: This is my second Toastmasters speech. Except for transitioning smoothly and connecting ideas better, I was evaluated favourably.

Postscript 2: It's a commonly held belief that if you do something enough times over and over, you start getting better at it. Be cool, unattached and objective, Person!

The Non-Facebook Post #112

On getting picked on -
"Thick skinned. Let it bounce off." - Chef Gordon Ramsay.

The Non-Facebook Post #111

Eating a croissant is a messy affair. Yummy and messy.

The Non-Facebook Post #110

My TEDx talk in online! Woohooooooo!
So, I actually have a worthy web presence!

The Non-Facebook Post #109

Yeah, there are lots of trade-offs in life. Like either parking your car clear under blue skies on a stupendously hot afternoon and have its interior heat up like a microwave or park under the shade of a tree and then have to live with bird droppings all over your newly-washed windscreen.

The Non-Facebook Post #108

Kambakhkt parking lot hamesha full rehta. On the one day that it's not full and there are several parking spots to choose from, you decide to drive all the way across the road from your destination to be able to park in the parking lot which is shaded by trees.

The Non-Facebook Post #107

"That's a classic picture of a student: you sitting here by the Art building, under a tree, book in your lap..."

Random remarks by genial passersby on lazy summer afternoons that kinda make your day.

The Non-Facebook Post #106

A 9-year old’s song for a broken heart!

I took my heart over hills and mountains and the tops of trees to bring it to you. And then you smushed it! 

The Non-Facebook Post #105

Let’s begin with the latest filler word of the moment – so.

So, last night I was reading out a bedtime story to a perceptive 7-year old. It was titled “The Flying Prince.” The story began with introducing a prince who encounters 4 “thieving trolls” in a forest. The trolls had stolen four magic items – a carpet, a bowl, and two others that I forget – from a village. The narration described that the Prince then “took” the items from the trolls while they were busy accomplishing a test he had put them to and made away with the loot. At this, the insightful little 7-year old beside me shrieked, “He’s a bad guy. He’s mean. I hope the Princess doesn’t marry him.”

And that set me thinking about a lot of different themes coming through from this juvenile story. The 7-year old was right – it was a mean thing for the Prince to do. He, effectively, stole from the trolls, disregarding the fact that they themselves had stolen the items. As rightly pointed out, that was a mean thing to do. And even more rightly stated, the Princess he was trying to woo should not have married him.

It also struck me how labels define the character and personality of a person. He was a “Prince” and so his actions were “right”. They were “Trolls” and everything they did was automatically “wrong” even though the prince committed the same base thievery as they did. Additionally, this story’s narrative did not care to sketch out details of what made the trolls the bad guys when these characters were introduced. It simply said they were “trolls.” And that’s it – that’s apparently sufficient to criminalize them.  

I don’t know about the trolls but the Prince definitely had a little troll in him.

The Non-Facebook Post #104

I'm passing through another one of those turbulent phases of life. It's yet another time of flux for me. But, I've been getting by - with a little help from my friends. (And oh, not in the nasty way the Beatles meant it,  no!; just in the sincere, literal way that it reads - friends, actual people. Also, I had no idea about the lyrics' subterfuge until, well, a few mintues after I wrote this post and mulled over it when it slowly hit the pea-brain, after which I did some quick Google research that confirmed it.)

This post is for my friends - my support system. Thank you for being such great people. Thank you for being my inspiration, for making me want to become more responsible, for making me want to be a better person.

I've always been the quiet kind. I've never initiated conversations or friendships. So it surprises me how I've ended up with friends - actual friends.

Yeah, I've been getting by with a little help from my friends. 

The Non-Facebook Post #103

Some days, thoughts and memories suffice to keep you connected to home.
Some days, you wear the charm bracelet your Mom gave you to feel closer to home.

The Non-Facebook Post #102

Some days there's an abundance of food. So much, that you don't know what to do with it. Then there are other days when you look around and find nothing to eat.
It's like how some days you get so much sleep, it almost makes you lethargic for the rest of the day. Other days, you go through the day's motions like a sleepless zombie.

Like life. Dhoop and chaon. Light and shade. 

The Non-Facebook Post #101

Alright, I am one in a million. No, really!
When the world goes right, I'm going left - in my zumba class that is! When my ENTIRE zumba class has their right hand up in the air and right leg out, there is just one person who's doing the exact opposite. Sigh!
It's some wiring in my brain. And it comes so easy and naturally to me too, to go left when everyone's going right. Then I have to pause and skip a beat or two to get back in the same direction as the others.
Funnily enough, this was what my brain wanted to do during a western dance with my partner. I could see the frustration on his face as he was trying to lead but my 'one-in-a-million' brain wiring kept getting in the way! Well, I guess it's going to take a guy with a special kind of patience to be my dance partner.

Zumba on Wednesday too. I'm all ready to jive the unbeaten path again!

The Non-Facebook Post #100

Thank goodness for literature and authors, for their thoughts and ideas that you can hold onto and journey through life.

OF MICE AND MEN

Lennie stood over him. “What you supposin’ for? Ain’t nobody goin’ to suppose no hurt to George.” (Pg 126).

As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. (Pg 161).

Steinbeck, John, 1902-1968. Of Mice and Men. New York, N.Y: Penguin Books, 2002.

VANITY OF DULUOZ

“...just so I could go to the Lowell Public Library and study by myself at leisure such things as old chess books with their fragrance of scholarly thought, their old bindings, leading me to investigate other fragrant old books like Goethe, Hugo, of all things the Maxims of William Penn, just reading to show off to myself that I was reading.” (Pg 27).

Writing your name on notebooks = “give some pretense of explanation for the material existence of this Journal”; “schoolboy stuff”. (Pg 30).

“Mens sana et mens corpora - healthy mind and healthy body.” (Pg 35).

“He combines all the excellence of a Greek, that is, the brain of an Athenian and the brawn of a Spartan.” (Pg 35).

You just can't run off a broken leg, (Pg 72).

If you don't say what you want, what's the sense of writing? (Pg 75).

Lights of the campus, lovers arm in arm, hurrying eager students in the flying leaves of late October, the library going with glow, all the books and pleasure and the big city of the world right at my broken feet... (Pg 76).

Ah that menace of monstrous rolling waves of gray water and spray, put me in the mind of something past and something future. (Pg 89).

What I was doing was telling everybody to go jump in the big fat ocean of their own folly. I was also telling myself to go jump in the big fat ocean of my own folly. What a bath! It was delightful. I washed clean. (Pg 93).

I hadn't learned anything in college that was going to help me to be a writer anyway and the only place to learn was in my own mind in my own real adventures: an adventurous education, an educational adventure-someness, name it. (Pg 168).

...somehow things were grand and forward-looking. (Pg 192).

...the tone of the period I was undergoing. (Pg 256).

It wasn't so much the darkness of the night that bothered me but the horrible lights men had invented to illuminate their darkness with...I mean the very streetlamp down at the end of the street. (Pg 260).

Emily Dickinson
Illiad/Odyssey
Jan Valtin's Out of the Night
Frank Sinatra with Tommy Dorsey The One I Love Belongs to Somebody Else and Everything Happens to Me
Charlie Barnet's Cherokee
This Love of Mine
Thomas Wolfe

Kerouac, Jack, 1922-1969. Vanity of Duluoz: An Adventurous Education, 1935-46. New York: Penguin Books, 1994.

MAGGIE CASSIDY

At the edge of the gang trudged Scotty, still alone, still inside. (Pg 10).

My love, my sick sense, of Maggie Cassidy had grown into a tumultuous continuous sorrow in my noisy head. The dreams, fantasie vagaries, wild drownings of the mind, as in real life I continued to go to school, hot spring mornings now outdoors, practically summer and no more school and I graduate from Lowell High. (Pg 158).

Kerouac, Jack, 1922-1969. Maggie Cassidy. New York, N.Y., U.S.A: Penguin Books, 1993.

THE GOLF OMNIBUS

They were real golfers, for real golf is a thing of the spirit, not of mere mechanical excellence of sport. (Pg 38).

In all affairs of human tension there must come a breaking point. (Pg 41).

It was during the long hours of the night, when ideas so often come to wakeful men... (Pg 42).

It is sweet and generous of you to think so highly of what was the merest commonplace act of politeness... (Pg 69).

He was no prude, but he had those decent prejudices that no self-respecting man can wholly rid himself, however broad-minded he may try to be. (Pg72).

"But I can't talk, confound it!" he burst out. "And how is a man to get anywhere at this sort of game without talking? " (Pg 80).

Golf, my dear fellow, is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. (Pg 93).

It is only when he takes to the game in earnest that he becomes self-conscious and anxious, and tops his shots even as you and I (Pg 122-123).

"A goof," repeated the Sage. "One of those unfortunate beings who have allowed this noblest of sports to get a grip upon them, who have permitted it to eat into their souls,  like some malignant growth. The goof, you must understand,  is not like you and me. He broods. He becomes morbid. His goofery unfits him for the battle of life." (Pg 160)

I can't be expected to fling myself into his arms unless he gives some sort of a hint that he's ready to catch me (Pg 163).

I'd rather die an awful death than have any man think I wanted him so badly that I had to send relays of messengers begging him to marry me (Pg 163).

There are occasions when an oath seems to be so imperatively demanded that the strain of keeping it in must inevitably affect the ganglions or nerve-centres in such a manner as to diminish the steadiness of the swing (Pg 210).

I mean, there's such a thing as a fellow throwing himself away (Pg 236).

It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive, and at last this great truth had come home to Wallace Chesney (Pg 240).

Wodehouse, P. G. 1881-1975. The Golf Omnibus. London: Barrie & Jenkins, 1973.

The Non-Facebook Post #99

There are some days when you just feel like pumping junk, unhealthy food into your system. Stress-coping mechanism? So, here's to a lunch of chocolate and coca cola instead of my typical strawberries.

Also, wow, this week flew by fast. 

The Non-Facebook Post #98

"Make yourself better today than you were yesterday. That's a good thing to do."

And,

"Treat people the way you want to be treated everyday, every time."


Jamie Dimon. 05/27/2015. Bernstein 31st Annual Strategic Decisions Conference.

The Non-Facebook Post #97

Me: I'm angry.
I don't even know why.
Mom: Yeah, that too happens to you; tiredness and less food makes you irritable and angry, better to take proper sleep.

I don't know.

The Non-Facebook Post #96

It's raining hard!
Just the thing I was hoping for! My car gets a free car wash now!

The Non-Facebook Post #95

<! doctype html>

Owww!

iMac, what sharp edges you have!
Cut my finger against the bottom edge as I was cleaning the desk surface below.

Owwwwwwww!

The Non-Facebook Post #94

The Long-Distance Driving Diaries

1. So, I've seen this road sign in the BMV manual I diligently read to absorb as much as I can to be a safe driver  -

This was one of those signs that I thought I would never ever come across while driving. Well, on my most recent long-distance road trips, I did come across this road sign on country roads.

Then again, I thought the sign is there but it might not actually mean anything or have a purpose in today's age. BUT, on my road trip today passing through country roads and this sign, I saw a buggy - an actual horse-drawn buggy - in traffic on the opposite side of the road.
How cool!


2. Driving across these same country roads, after the exciting buggy-spotting, there was this other minor incident. A driver of a truck had his vehicle parked on the opposite road shoulder. He jumped out, ran across the road, picked up a water bottle from my side of the road shoulder and ran back to his vehicle. All while I was hurtling toward him at 55 mph and about 500 feet away. Gosh!

3. Long-distance driving is hard on one's bottom!

4. I think I'm a more aware driver when I've suspended thinking and just go with the flow. Sigh - I don't know what to make of this.

The Non-Facebook Post #93

I gave my very first Toastmasters speech! It was titled "My Many Identities."
I have to admit, it was a lot more relaxed than several other talks I have given.
And only two "uh"s! Yay!

Here's the content of my speech so that the answer to the ever-annoying "about yourself" question is recorded here for posterity. This is who I am, at this point in my life.

"Good afternoon, everyone!

Now, did you have an opportunity to listen to Laverne Cox - famous tv actress and transgender personality - talk at BSU? I want to quote from her talk. This particular line helped me resolve that eternal question in my head - who am I?

There are so many different components at the intersections of your multiple identities. Recognize them. Own them.

Also, there's a person I really admire - Natasha Badhwar. She's a filmmaker and media-trainer. This is what she has to say, 

Adopt every identity you run into. Be 

everyone. There are so many selves to be.

I have multiple identities and many selves. I will describe 3 selves of mine, 3 aspects of my personality today.

First, I am a family person. I value family life. There is a famous Indian film actress, Priyanka Chopra. Here is what she says,  

Keep your family close and then nothing else will matter.

I believe in this. I grew up in an extended-family setting with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. Now, being far away from family, I cherish the moments I had with them. I think family brings diversity to your viewpoints and perspectives. It also brings variety to the dinner table! I love potatoes. Living all by myself now, I find that my dinner every other night consists of fried potatoes. With family, my uncle loves ridge gourd and my grandmom loves tomatoes! We ate everyone's favourite dishes at the dining table and got to experience different tastes. Variety is the spice of life!

The second aspect of my personality is that I look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. I am a dreamer and an idealist. Have you watched the Lord of the Rings movies? In the first movie, the camera pans to show Frodo sitting under a tree reading a book as Gandalf rides up the road. That is me - like Frodo. I love staying lost in  my thoughts, staring into sunset skies and clouds and being perfectly happy all by myself. 

The third aspect of my personality is that I like to believe I am a polymath, a pluralist. Architect K.T. Ravindran said,

"There is no unilinear direction for any profession. It is far more enriching to be doing different things at the same time rather than just one thing. You become a far more wholesome professional and far more wholesome human being because of the range of issues and the people you have an opportunity to respond to. That plurality of experience perhaps is the purpose of life or one of the purposes."

I have an undergraduate degree in Architecture and graduate degrees in Landscape Architecture and Information and Communication Sciences  - as different as chalk and cheese. I believe that you should pursue all your interests, you have one life after all. So, I decided to pursue all my fields of interests. 

These are the three aspects of my personality I chose to talk about to you today because I feel these are the most important in my life at this point. 

Looking to the future - what will I be, who will I be? I do know that I will be the best version of myself. Whether that be expanding my skill sets, broadening my education, becoming a better person, I know that I will keep learning and growing.

So, that's it. I hope that gave you a snapshot of who I am.

Thank you."

(Well, I did not include Architect K.T. Ravindran's quote in my Toastmasters speech. I included it here because it defines my paradigm.)

The Non-Facebook Post #92

I'm dressed in two layers of clothing. This is the most underdressed I've been in 49 F temperatures.
Let's dig out those North Face gloves...

The Non-Facebook Post #91

"Jaan gadaa rehta, paani wahin aake therta."
Hyderabadi profundity. 
Question being, am I the gadaa?

The Non-Facebook Post #90

Yaar, yeh Bollywood sentimentality chod dene ka faisla kar liya hai. Itne saal toh har baat ko sentimental nazariye se dekhte hue jiye. Ab thoda light lete hue ji ke dekhenge.

The Non-Facebook Post #89

Aadhi duniya ko hamne hi bataa diya hamare baare mein aur baaki aadhi ko baaki saare logon ne!

The Non-Facebook Post #88

"I'm here, I can help!"
"You're such a trooper!"

Yay!

The Non-Facebook Post #87

"Catch them while they're good. Praise the positive behaviour that we want to reinforce."

-Dr. Ivan Joseph's TEDxRyersonU Talk

The Non-Facebook Post #86

Why is there caffeine in my hot chocolate, darn it?!

The Non-Facebook Post #85

is cooking while singing at the top of her voice and dancing like there's no tomorrow!
A moment of pure joy in the midst of everyday life that comes with everyday heartache. "Koi atka hua hai pal shayad. Waqt mein pad gaya hai bal shayad. Dil agar hai to dard bhi hoga. Iska nahi koi hal shayad."

The Non-Facebook Post #84

I really want to go "home" this work day. What's 'home" at this point? I don't know. Maybe "home" right now is some place that's not "here'.

The Non-Facebook Post #83

Dang, is it hot or is it hot?!

It's just 84 degrees Fahrenheit.
Just.
Because I've spent my entire life minus the last four years in 110 degrees Fahrenheit temperatures. Now, after a duration of spending four years in temperate climes, my mind starts sending me signals of discomfort - the "ugh" sort - when I begin to experience any temperatures that come close to my home tropical environment. Which leads me to think, "is it this easy to get unused to the environment you grew up in and get used to an environment you've only recently begun spending some time in?"
Which in turn leads me to think that it's just that old matter - "getting used to". You're most comfortable with whatever you're most used to. Which means that if you're fairly comfortable with new things - things that you are not used to, things that you've never done before - you're more open to the idea of change. You're more open-minded.
I'll just let that thought brew in my mind for a while...

The Non-Facebook Post #82

I tried! I tried and tried! But this is one of those things I can't do - I just cannot wear nail polish!
For one, my nails feel weird and suffocated, as though they can't breathe with that coating of paint. And then, the paint is a clever subterfuge that my nails use to grow to uncomfortable lengths. (Well, an uncomfortable length in my case is just a couple millimeters over my finger tip, that's all it takes!)
Also, my nail shape is more suited to the neatly trimmed look with short nails. I'm not the growing-nails-elegantly type of person. I do admire girls with lovely, long, well-groomed nails.
Me, no!
Just short, neatly trimmed nails like we had back in St. Ann's will do! (When house captains would check our nails as we filed out in an orderly queue from our morning Assembly after Our Father and hymns, making our way to classes).

That was a clutch of thoughts!

Oh, wait. Also, skinny jeans. What is with them? They look great. They make the person wearing them look great. But it's so painful to bend your knees or fold your legs in them. Sitting criss-cross applesauce is next to impossible. So tight!

The Non-Facebook Post #81

Kambakht parking lot hamesha full rehta!

The Non-Facebook Post #80

How Bird, how?!
How do you manage to do your business on my car, especially when I've made sure I'm not parked under a tree to have made it unavoidable for you.
Oh, the constant splatters!

The Non-Facebook Post #79

" On soft Spring nights I'll stand in the yard under the stars - Something good will come out of all things yet - And it will be golden and eternal just like that - There's no need to say another word." - Jack Kerouac

We'll walk the warm Spring nights, under an inky black sky, under the stars. And it will be you and I, in a dream. Through a  grassy, rocky meadow enveloped in a delicious darkness. A darkness that needs no words, because a touch is all that's needed. And this will be goodness, golden and etetnal. You and I. In a dream.

Thank God for Kerouac!

"Writing has given me a space to express my innocence. No other world has any use for it." - Natasha Badhwar.

Thank God for Badhwar!

The Non-Facebook Post #78

Today is the sort of day when 'Raindrops are falling on my head'. Literally and figuratively. My mood is mirroring this afternoon's dark clouds. I'm furiously hungry, and furious, and mad, and sad.
And well, to top it all, coming up next week is summer break and then, summer semester. That time of year when campus gets lonely, a ghost town. I hate empty campuses - let's put it that way.

The Non-Facebook Post #77

The kids' diagnosis was right - "you're too gentle." Why do I have so many inhibitions?!

I need to have an attitude (some Alia Bhatt sass). I need to stop being self-conscious. I need to let go.

The Non-Facebook Post #76

"Round on the outside, straight inside!"

Thanks for great work colleagues!

The Non-Facebook Post #75

This! So this!
The Dumbledore sibling, "what only she keeps imagining in her head. "

The Non-Facebook Post #74

Ohmigod, I stepped out without my winter coat this morning! Hallelujah!

The Non-Facebook Post #73

Channel an 'Alia Bhatt' attitude, girl! All life through.

The Non-Facebook Post #72

Don't shred the bottom of the saree and the lehenga while walking, again, woman!

The Non-Facebook Post #71

I drove a car in a saree, and heels!
Accomplishment!

The Non-Facebook Post #70

I have my banana for this morning, I'm happy!

And also, "you are so pretty!"

Never hurts hearing that once in a while!

The Non-Facebook Post #69

'Chupke se kahiin, dheeme paaon se, jaane kis tarah kis ghadi,
Aage badh gaye humse raahon mein, par tum toh abhi the yahiin...'

Aur, keh bhi diya, alvida.

The Non-Facebook Post #68

I've never written about this aspect of my life - because it's difficult not to think about this without an accompanying, fierce piercing pain.

One of my fondest memories of my Dad is when he would gently move the falling hair from my forehead and tuck it carefully behind my ear when I was studiously bent over some scholastic task or the other.

There's a sense of sukoon associated with that memory; the feel of sweet summer breezes; the knowledge of no real life pareshaani; Kerala, and a laid-back living I would love to go back to - to laze in cool summer nights and dream of the high-flying life. Because there was a simple simplicity in that life that afforded you to dream the grandest of dreams and live them, and yet be happily care-free.

The Non-Facebook Post #67

In the shower! In the shower! In the shower!
That's where they come! The ideas!

And, so, let's "give it your best shot."

The Non-Facebook Post #66

'Masti mein rahe dooba dooba hamesha samaa,
Humko raahon mein yunhin milti rahe khushiyaan...'

The Non-Facebook Post #65

This conversation with a witty nine year old:

"So, what color do you want the walls of your room to be?"
"Umm, black and white."
"Well, you might as well just buy a zebra instead and hang it up there."

LOL!

"No, not striped walls. Maybe three walls white and one wall black."
"Well, you might as just take a zebra and make it larger and hang it up there! "

LOL!

And,

"So, your phone fell into the toilet?"

"Yes"

"While there was stuff in there?"

"Yes"

"This is even better than I imagined!" (in gleeful delight)

The Non-Facebook Post #64

Got told today, "you're magical!" And, "you're my heroine for the day."

Once earlier it was, "you're an angel" and "you're doll!"

I love when I get told these things!

The Non-Facebook Post #63

When you're working at two computer stations and three adjoining monitors and keep dragging the mouse pointer from two connected screens to the third not-joined screen expecting it to show up, it can only mean one of three things:
-You're pompously busy.
-You're scatter-brained (or pea-brained as the loving siblings would like to call it). It just doesn't register in your brain to switch from one mouse control to the next to operate the two systems separately.
-You're pompously busy and incorrigibly pea-brained - that lovely, one-in-a-million combination!

The Non-Facebook Post #62

It's interesting to observe how imminent thunderstorms drive people "home." Everyone is in a hurry to get back to the safety of the cocoon they call home before the rains lash out.
Home. And rain. In the evenings. And that lovely atmosphere bathed in golden twilight and soaked in fresh moisture. And garam chai, and balconies with chairs to laze in and gaze out at the world, and hot mirchiyaan-bhajiye to munch on - Pappa and Nanna's favourites.
And also, sitting miles away, in a home away from home on one such beautiful evening taking in the warm rain-drenched sunset and losing yourself in thoughts. Oh, the dil ki kashmokash. Chaahaton ki kashmokash. Chaah ki kashmokash.

The Non-Facebook Post #61

It's that cheery, sunny, HUMID time of year - yay! Yay for the sun and brightness and warmth. The humidity though - aaarghhhhh! Wreaking havoc with the hair!

Hey, a girl's got to complain sometimes!

The Non-Facebook Post #60

Precious scraps from conversations with people:

At a small church in a quaint town in Midwest America (a devout, after shaking hands with me to greet me for Easter) "Your hands are cold! You must have a warm heart!"

The Dumbledore sibling, on my driving rants, "Go wherever the GPS takes you!"

Mr. Peabody to Sherman on facing a seemingly out-of-control issue, "Stay calm and keep your head."

One of my favourite professors to me,
"He's a good chap.
[Turns and looks at me, serious conviction in his eyes] You're a good chap too."

The Non-Facebook Post #59

It's a dew-drenched spring morning. You breathe in the refreshing wetness. You see new buds sprouting. You hear birds chirping a happy song. It's the kind of morning that heralds bright promises. Here's to looking forward to them.

The Non-Facebook Post #58

My fitness instructor to me, "I see your form has improved! Good job!" Wooohoooooooooooo!

It's all about form when exercising, especially strength training. And doing you best!

Plus, (ok , a clutch of random thoughts here) "even if the results are disastrous, you're still a rock star for putting yourself out there" - Maria Kennedy (A Shy Girl's Guide to Getting Out There).
So, yeah, I'm a rock star! Woohoooooooooooo, again!

And, I drove - here's documenting my first long-distance trips! From current home base to Lafayette, and also some night-time driving to a restaurant 40 minutes away.
Yessssssssssssssss!

Accha sochne se accha hota hai.

The Non-Facebook Post #57

This evening was magical. It took me back to the dreamy sunsets of Hyderabad. The ones I would stare into, sitting on the terrace of 'home', living the world of my dreams in those golden sun-kissed clouds.
Today was that sort of evening. Moisture-drenched twilight air from a recent rain shower interspersed with gently blowing cool spring breezes brought back memories of all those evenings I spent dreaming up my future. Some of that future is here; I rediscovered my yet dormant tomorrow in today's sublime atmosphere.

Once again, here's to "golden sunsets, glorious evenings and big dreams."

The Non-Facebook Post #56

Woman, stop forgetting where you've parked your car!

The Non-Facebook Post #55

That moment when you suddenly realize that you've been dealing with horrible, horrible people!
"Oh, you horrible people!"
"Oh!"

The Non-Facebook Post #54

Pappa, this graduate student recognition for “outstanding academic achievement” is for you, as will be every milestone in my life. It’s an honour and a reason for celebration, but bittersweet. I guess it will always be bittersweet.

“I've known a faith and belief in my abilities much more that I could ever have in myself.”

For all the times that I've faltered, unsure of ever finding my feet to stand back up, there was a constant unwavering voice that told me simply, “aap pareshaan mat ho, khush raho gudiya” – without judgement, without criticism. Those words didn't mean too much then, wrapped as I was in my own little bubble of troubles to pay attention to their profundity.

This time of year is your birth month. It’s the time that marks my first semester in graduate school four years ago. It also the time of year that preludes life, as we had known it, changed forever. And now, it’s somehow come full circle, like recognition of having ploughed through stone-laden path and rough weather.

All you wanted for me, Pappa, is to be happy, and smile. All I want to be is your daughter.

The Non-Facebook Post #53

I love how science and poetry can together explain away all that perplexes the human mind and ails the human heart. So, what I’m experiencing currently, all of my emotions at this time, are perfectly normal. They've been experienced by members of 170 societies worldwide, and for millennia. More than 95% of  anthropologist Helen Fisher’s interviewees in her TED talk The Brain in Love share what I have been through. She asked them two critical questions and the unanimous idea that came through was, “almost nobody gets out of love alive!” Yeah!

It’s reassuring to know that for once in my life I've not gone off the beaten track. Like everyone else on this planet, I've been through a rite of passage that “we all go through” as one of my favourite professors, Dr. Jay Gillette, told me. Currently, three areas of my brain are active and producing sensations that make for the tumultuous and obsessive time that marks this phase of a person’s life. 

So, the A10 cells of my brain’s Ventral Tegmental region are producing and spreading all this dopamine which has gotten me super-focused in the two months since this life-phase began. It’s the brain’s reward center that’s associated with energy and motivation and wanting, and sees heightened activity when you’re deeply in love and when you face rejection. That’s perfectly normal there then. Thanks VTA. Ever since you kicked in I've begun challenging myself to broaden my horizons and grow as a person. The second area of my brain that’s active right now is the Nucleus Accumbens, a region that calculates risks, gains and losses. This means that my brain has been doing all these computations about all that I risked and the result that followed. The third area of my brain that’s active and probably working in overdrive is associated with emotions of deep attachment.

Every time I find myself drowning in a sea of feelings, I know that the chemicals in my brain and my neurological processes are making me feel what I do. It helps! It’s not you, at least!

Helen Fisher also explains how romantic love is the biggest addiction out there - it's a drive more than a series of emotions - and how it displays all three characteristics of an addiction. There’s tolerance (wanting more), withdrawal and relapse. All of this apparently also makes you focus on the one you chose (through your selective proceptivity), crave, obsess, distort reality and take risks. Hey! All humans do this, and all animals practice Animal Favouritism – it’s normal!

And then there’s the glorious poetry that Fisher intersperses in her talk. The poets knew their science! I resonate with all the poets, especially Emily Dickinson - "parting is all we need to know of hell." Now, I wonder if some dramatic Bollywood kitsch will fit in here too to explain human mind’s perceptions of all that one encounters in a life lived.

‘Teri mehfil mein kismet aazma kar hum bhi dekhenge…

Kisike ishq mein duniya lutaa kar hum bhi dekhenge!’

The Non-Facebook Post #52

Animal favouritism. Selective proceptivity.

The Non-Facebook Post #51

It's my two-month anniversary, woohooooooooo!

Two months of challenging myself and changing myself because 'what doesn't challenge you will not change you.' Two months of sweating it out and 'being sore today instead of sorry tomorrow' and 'trying and failing, not failing to try.'

Well, all of those quotes are Ball State's Rec Center's motivational communication looping on display screens outside fitness classes.

And, it's my two month anniversary since I began exercising regularly! YAY!

I love weight training, and piloxing, and pilates, and yoga, and zumba. Although I still find that cardio is tough for me. It's gets my breath up too much which I have begun to dislike. But, I'll learn to work with it...yet (Carol Dweck's "growth mindset").

Challenging yourself, and stepping out of your comfort zone, even if it is by an inch, is awesome. You don't have to necessarily make great big leaps, a small tiny step outside of what you've done before is enough - because it's aligned with your unique abilities and capability. "You do you."
That's what my yoga instructor Allie says, and how beautifully it sums up the idea of exploring beyond your habits and routine in ways that are tailored for you.

Also, thanks Kerouac!  "If you don't say what you want, what is the sense of writing?" Lol!

The Non-Facebook Post #50

I want my Mommy.

The Non-Facebook Post #49

'...Tum kyun chale aate ho,
Har roz in khwaabon mein,
Chupke se aabhi jaao,
Ek din meri baahon mein...'

Sometimes you just have to get the cheesy out of the system!
Cheesy yet fun, and hard to admit, but sincere as well.

The Non-Facebook Post #48

From a HONY post dated 26 March 2015,

"I want to be a ballerina."
"What's the best part about being a ballerina?"
"Dancing."
"What's the hardest part about being a ballerina?"
"Dancing in front of people."

A commenter's take on that post,

"Translates to real world: what's the best thing about life? Being yourself. What's the hardest thing about life? Being yourself in front of people."
- LewieCharles Tran

The Non-Facebook Post #47

From Carol Dweck's TED talk The Power of Believing that You Can Improve

"...if you get a failing grade, you think, I'm nothing, I'm nowhere. But if you get the grade "Not Yet"you understand that you're on a learning curve. It gives you a path into the future."

"...the growth mindset, the idea that abilities can be developed."

"Here are some things we can do. First of all, we can praise wisely, not praising intelligence or talent. That has failed. Don't do that anymore. But praising the process that kids engage in: their effort, their strategies, their focus, their perseverance, their improvement."

"Just the words "yet" or "not yet," we're finding, give kids greater confidence, give them a path into the future that creates greater persistence. And we can actually change students' mindsets."

" ... every time they push out of their comfort zone to learn something new and difficult, the neurons in their brain can form new, stronger connections, and over time they can get smarter."

"This happened because the meaning of effort and difficulty were transformed. Before, effort and difficulty made them feel dumb, made them feel like giving up, but now, effort and difficulty, that's when their neurons are making new connections, stronger connections. That's when they're getting smarter."

The Non-Facebook Post #46

Why does no one stick to speed limits while driving?!

Everyone's surging way ahead on roads, way past the allowed speeds.

The Non-Facebook Post #45

It was too good to be true, just too good!

"Oh serendipitous, serendipitous day! When you go get your driving license renewed and, by happy accident, are also well dressed enough to not have a deer-caught-in-headlights headshot clicked for your new license!"
February 4, 2015. 11:51 am.

Yeah! Which is why Fate cruelly conspires with Bureaucracy to turn events around so that you're in a position of having to redo all your paperwork for the license, and get another headshot clicked. And lo and behold! Now, the picture of you that's to be printed on your new (yet again) license is how it should be - the ritualistic, ugly 'deer caught in headlights' sorta image. 

Well anyway, here's hoping four times is a charm and I don't have to go through the whole rigmarole again, for something as simple as being able to renew my driving license. You, Bureaucracy, I'm talking to you!

The Non-Facebook Post #44

"I was wondering if I could get her signature here to show I stopped by to deliver but he wasn't here?"

"Her?!"

"She's not mine! She's a stray!"

All in a day's work!

The Non-Facebook Post #43

"Learning has to include an amount of failure, because failure is instructional..."

Diana Laufenberg, TED Talk "How to Learn? From Mistakes"

The Non-Facebook Post #42

I need a standing desk!
I want a standing desk at my workplace!

The Non-Facebook Post #41

It's the sort of start to your day when you wake up, quite dreamily, and plunge into daydreaming right away. Daydreaming so intense, that you are barely conscious of the ticking time that's silently exhorting you to be ready for yet another day at the workplace. But the daydreams, as you go through the motions of brushing your teeth, showering, all of that - well, there they are showing you the path to your life's dreams, once again.

'Accha sochne se accha hota hai.' You attract the kind of energy you radiate.

Miraculously though, your daydreaming doesn't interfere with the pace of you readying yourself for the day. In fact, it speeds up the process. There you are, lost in moments cooked up by your abstractions that are pure joy and pure happiness because that's how you're envisioning your future. And you have a song on your lips too as you let the hot shower and your warm reveries relax your slightly strained mind and body because you plodded on through the yesterday - you decided to move forward, even if it was just inching ahead. The tortoise-walk onwards, gathering speed to become a hectic busyness by the end of the day that unravels into a heavy, dreamy sleep and which slowly blossoms into a musing-filled morning - you can say it's a good life. 

The Non-Facebook Post #40

I love this life advice! (Thanks to my Mom for sharing that HuffPost article with me.)

And this - "Be kind. Always and no matter what."

The Non-Facebook Post #39

Oh, come on! It's snowing!
Well, this was yesterday. It was a gloomy weather forecast showing snow on the radar. But you know how it is sometimes when you don't want to believe something even in the face of facts and evidence? So, I drive in to the Honda showroom to get my car serviced in a cold, cloudy and windy atmosphere. I spend about two and a half hours dozing out my wait with Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse's hefty tome in my hand, my finger bookmarking the page I was reading where I gave in to the waves of sleep washing over me. Mercifully, I managed to wake up before the Service Agent walked in to tell me that the car was finally serviced. I walk out from the waiting lounge to his desk area to clear my dues only to get a glimpse of a white world from the large automatic glass door that lets cars into the service center. That's when I exclaimed, in amused exasperation. The Service Agent had this to add, "yeah Indiana weather is great that way in setting up the party mood!" And sprinkling salt on a fresh wound he responds to my statement of having fallen asleep instead of reading, "you didn't go around the back of the waiting lounge and check out the showroom? It's really cool. There're free cookies."
Oh, come on! Free cookies that I miss!

(This is today's delightful temperature.)